Think we can’t find a way to ruin one of the purist days of the year? Hold our collective beer.
Pastel colors, fuzzy baby animals, religious celebration, and the promise of warmer weather have nothing on us. Somehow, despite our intentions, we’ll still find a way to taint the bright and joyous family holiday. Want to spare yours? Here are five things to avoid:
1. Vodka Infused Peeps
Oh, we’re off to a quick start. Easters start early and often involve a lot of family, so I don’t blame you for considering pre-gaming it. Drinking your way through the holidays? Tradition. Hiding it in an iconic holiday treat? Brilliant. So how could this one go wrong?
One little known fact about peeps is that those little buggers can’t handle their booze. Just like your cousin Randy, every time they get even a little nip, they start trouble. You don’t want a whole gang of these sugary fellas sloshing around in your guts during the egg hunt. Trust me, they won’t stay there.
2. Vintage Bunny Costume
I don’t know what the hell was going on with people from 1940 to 1985, but they seemed to have real trouble determining what rabbits looked like. It doesn’t seem that difficult; they are virtually everywhere. Yet, somehow, the ones that have faces like the mask from V for Vendetta are among the least alarming.
There have to be decent, friendly-looking bunny costumes for sale or rent these days. Please invest in one if you want to play Easter bunny. That old costume you found in grandpa’s basement may seem like a real find, but I assure you, it’s the same bad idea now that it was back in 1962. Just because you can doesn’t necessarily mean you should. Burn that old thing and try not to get smoldering bunny fur on your clothes when you do.
3. Corn Dog Crucifix
Normally, I would say that I’m not more opposed to breaded and deep-fried religious figures than the next guy. But… I stand corrected. I’m all for making an effort to ensure that the religious aspect of the holiday is not lost among the chocolate eggs, jelly beans, and Easter grass. This may not be the best way to accomplish that, though.
Believe it or not, I don’t think a giant mustard frown is the most effective display of the passion of the Christ. And the little ketchup blood dots? Come on, man. If we’re going to invoke the religious origin of the holiday, let’s try to also include a least a little bit of reverence. This seems like a recipe for some mocking laughter that grandma might find off-putting.
4. Creative Bonnet License
You want to let your freak flag fly; I get it. I mean, how could the other 364 days per year possibly be enough time for you to uniquely express yourself? I’m going to ask you to exercise just the tiniest bit of restraint, though. You’re a human being, not a float at the Rose Bowl.
And please don’t strap candy to your child’s head. I feel like I shouldn’t have to say this. Spring is around the corner, and, depending where you are, there may be bees. You’re creating a situation that is fair neither to the children nor the bees. You’re setting them both up for failure.
5. Overenthusiastic Egg Hunting
Maybe you weren’t the most athletic kid, or maybe you were the star of the football team. Either way, the Easter Sunday of your 36th year on earth is not the day to reclaim past glory. Acquiring the greatest number of empty dollar store plastic eggs is not a good justification for bulldozing a child; I don’t care what day it is.
Also, and part of me feels like I should just let this happen, you’re going to hurt yourself. Let’s face it, you don’t do a lot of sprinting and pivoting in the parking lot on the way from your car to your cubicle. These are not movements with which you’re familiar any longer. Do yourself a favor and dial it back a notch or two.
As we all know, the urge to ruin a holiday by over-participating can be nearly irresistible. I’m not asking you to avoid every bad decision that presents itself. If you can avoid the items mentioned above, I think it’s fair to consider it a victory. You know, “baby steps” and all that.