False Facebook Fitness Fanatic

I’m a pretty ethically swishy guy with a sordid past, a hazy grasp of the distinctions between right and wrong, an occasionally loose definition of reality, and a pretty tarnished moral compass. So, I don’t really have room for any more skeletons in my poorly organized closet.

That’s why I’m going to go ahead and just leave this particular confession right here: I inadvertently conned my Facebook Friends into thinking I successfully pulled off some Herculean effort of diet and exercise, when that really couldn’t be further from the truth.

“It’s not so much willpower as laziness and ambivalence.”

First, let’s get a few things straight so this doesn’t happen again: 1) I am not promoting anything or looking for any kudos — that’s the opposite of where I’m going with this; 2) I’m still a dreadfully fat guy who relentlessly woos diabetes, pancreatitis, and heart disease like they’re the only daughters of wealthy 19th century landowners.

Anyway, the other day my girlfriend saw a picture of me from last year at about this time. A hometown friend of mine had shared his Facebook memory photos of an event I had attended, and he had tagged me. It must have been pretty cold pretty late in the year in Ohio last year, because at the end of May, I looked like I’d just eaten enough to hibernate for the winter.

My girlfriend guffawed. She said that I looked like the former me had traveled forward in time, eaten the current me, and then returned to his own year to sleep off the meal. She can be pretty judgmental for someone with such a tiny head.

She did have a point, though. I was much bigger twelve months earlier. I’m not a vain guy, so I really hadn’t noticed that I’d changed at all. She’d said a few times over the past six months or so that she thought I was looking thinner, but she also lies about how good the food tastes when I cook just so she doesn’t have to make dinner. The truth is that I’m not an attractive guy, and I don’t dress well, so neither of us ever pays any attention to how I look.