Love in a Time of Carbohydrates

I mean,… how is that not “love”?

My girlfriend is hot, but she also has hot flashes. She’s fit and healthy and beautiful, but she’s entering a stage of life during which it has become harder for her to be pleased with her body, and that has led us both (because being unaffected by this is not an option, I’ve learned) into some amusingly unsuccessful attempts at dieting.

Preemptive Disclaimer: No girlfriends or girlfriends’ feelings were harmed in the making of this piece. All girlfriend likenesses, representations, and details are provided only after securing the expressed written consent of the girlfriend in question.

She is absolutely enamored with the idea of the 30-day challenge trend, and she wants to extend it to everything. We’re each currently involved in two (at her behest), and she’s actively and officially encouraged the undergraduates in the classes she teaches to undertake them as well. Oh yeah, it’s that serious. We’re talking that level of obsession. It’s not just an idea she likes for her, it’s an idea she likes for everyone. That’s how these things go.

It might sound like a drag for me, but it is not. And the reason for that is not because I adore her so much that my tolerance is inordinately high. It’s because I can’t wait for the hilarious disaster that follows the good intentions. I mean, she’s great and all, but the real treat is the inevitable train wreck. You see, while my girlfriend loves the idea of committing to self-improvement challenges, she absolutely lacks any conviction toward carrying them out.

Let’s examine our most recent attempt at her version of a dietary cleanse. “I have a great idea!” she says as she springs around the corner smiling ear to ear. And now I’m smiling too, because I know how little time it takes for her to begin cursing these “great ideas”. “Let’s hear it,” I say with dirty, despicable glee. Bring on the disaster!

Who we WISH we were.

She explains to me that we’re going to eat nothing but fruits and vegetables for three days in order to clean out our systems. I’m pretty sure this isn’t even a valid dietary strategy, but I’m fat and she’s fit, so I assume she knows more about it than I do. I happily and…