Sacre Bleu, Piere, Stop Soccer-Shaming Me

Where are the Red Cards for Excessive Sports Snobbery?

We get it, Uber Hooligan. You like wearing overly tight jerseys with names you can’t pronounce and pretending to be a supporter of locations you’d be hopelessly unable to find on a map. Congratulations on being faux cultured. Now please just give me a moment’s peace.

I swear to Lionel Messi that if one more person “informs” me that soccer is the world’s most popular sport or that it’s actually more accurately referred to as futbol, I’m going to gouge out my own eyeball with an athletic cup. You don’t say! That’s very enlightened thing for someone who’s never left Cowhump, Indiana to know!

My lack of enthusiasm about the World Cup is not indicative of a systemic ignorance inherent in the American hegemonic and xenophobic psyche.

You see, it’s not that I mind if you like soccer (and, for the love of Christiano Ronaldo, please just call it that; I completely understand that people who live in other countries and speak different languages than you call it something different — they actually do that with lots of things). It’s that you can’t seem to handle the idea that I don’t like soccer.