Sacre Bleu, Piere, Stop Soccer-Shaming Me

Aaron DeBee
4 min readJul 4, 2018

Where are the Red Cards for Excessive Sports Snobbery?

We get it, Uber Hooligan. You like wearing overly tight jerseys with names you can’t pronounce and pretending to be a supporter of locations you’d be hopelessly unable to find on a map. Congratulations on being faux cultured. Now please just give me a moment’s peace.

I swear to Lionel Messi that if one more person “informs” me that soccer is the world’s most popular sport or that it’s actually more accurately referred to as futbol, I’m going to gouge out my own eyeball with an athletic cup. You don’t say! That’s very enlightened thing for someone who’s never left Cowhump, Indiana to know!

My lack of enthusiasm about the World Cup is not indicative of a systemic ignorance inherent in the American hegemonic and xenophobic psyche.

You see, it’s not that I mind if you like soccer (and, for the love of Christiano Ronaldo, please just call it that; I completely understand that people who live in other countries and speak different languages than you call it something different — they actually do that with lots of things). It’s that you can’t seem to handle the idea that I don’t like soccer.

It’s also not even that I actively disapprove of soccer. It seems like an okay game, I suppose. It’s just not for me. I’m going to give you a second to embark on your “Americans are so stupid and uncultured and xenophobic” tirade, even though when I got back from Japan you asked me if “they know English or” if “they all talked Chinese”. Just nudge me when you’re done.

I don’t like soccer because I don’t like sports in which there is continuous movement rather than spurts of movement broken up into individual plays. I like (American, sigh) football, and I like baseball. I’m not a fan of basketball or of hockey. I also don’t like sports in which the players do an excessive amount of “flopping” to draw foul calls from the referees. It’s another reason I don’t like basketball, and it’s probably my least favorite recent development/escalation in (American) football.

Aaron DeBee

Freelance Writer/Blogger/Editor, veteran, Top Rated on Upwork, former Medium Top Writer in Humor, Feminism, Culture, Sports, NFL, etc.