The Octopus Plan for World Domination

Aaron DeBee
6 min readApr 5, 2018
There’s no way this turns out well.

It’s time to stop acting like it is not going to happen. The fat lady has sung; the jury is back in; and it’s all over but the crying.

Octopi are going to take over the world; it’s just a matter of time.

The eight suckered bendy arms should have been enough to flag the danger. If we’re honest with ourselves, we kind of lord our opposable thumbs over the animal kingdom. However, not only are octopus tentacles more functional than hands, but octopi have eight of them. Advantage: octopi.

The only non-tentacle part of an octopus is its giant, smooshy head. You know what’s in that giant, smooshy head? Nothing but raw genius and bad intentions, sister.

Do you doubt the part about the bad intentions? Look at that octopus in huge the photo above. Does he look like he’s working on a cure for lymphoma? No. He’s obviously being dastardly. (Confession: I don’t fully understand that word, but I know it’s bad, and I feel certain he’s being it.)

Back to the smooshy head, because, while the tentacles get all the attention, they’re also a diversion from the octopus’s more sinister half. Did you know that octopi can mash that big ol’ bulbous head down to the size of their beak? Oh yeah, you heard me, they have a beak.

This is the stuff that nightmares are made of.

As if their physical acumen wasn’t enough to make them completely superior, they are also alarmingly brilliant. Octopi can problem solve and can learn from dissimilar demonstration. They also invent.

Check out this guy with the coconut shells:

They have already begun gearing up for the war to end all wars. This little fella is hauling some coconut shells he found off to his evil lair. Why? Because this:

Octopi have figured out that they are smooshy, and they are currently developing personal protective technology. For those keeping score: this is essentially equivalent to the point in the Sci-Fi robot movies at which the machines become sentient.

This little guy here solved the agility and multi-tasking problem presented by the full coconut cocoon:

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Aaron DeBee

Freelance Writer/Blogger/Editor, veteran, Top Rated on Upwork, former Medium Top Writer in Humor, Feminism, Culture, Sports, NFL, etc.