It’s time to stop acting like it is not going to happen. The fat lady has sung; the jury is back in; and it’s all over but the crying.
Octopi are going to take over the world; it’s just a matter of time.
The eight suckered bendy arms should have been enough to flag the danger. If we’re honest with ourselves, we kind of lord our opposable thumbs over the animal kingdom. However, not only are octopus tentacles more functional than hands, but octopi have eight of them. Advantage: octopi.
The only non-tentacle part of an octopus is its giant, smooshy head. You know what’s in that giant, smooshy head? Nothing but raw genius and bad intentions, sister.
Do you doubt the part about the bad intentions? Look at that octopus in huge the photo above. Does he look like he’s working on a cure for lymphoma? No. He’s obviously being dastardly. (Confession: I don’t fully understand that word, but I know it’s bad, and I feel certain he’s being it.)
Back to the smooshy head, because, while the tentacles get all the attention, they’re also a diversion from the octopus’s more sinister half. Did you know that octopi can mash that big ol’ bulbous head down to the size of their beak? Oh yeah, you heard me, they have a beak.
As if their physical acumen wasn’t enough to make them completely superior, they are also alarmingly brilliant. Octopi can problem solve and can learn from dissimilar demonstration. They also invent.
Check out this guy with the coconut shells:
They have already begun gearing up for the war to end all wars. This little fella is hauling some coconut shells he found off to his evil lair. Why? Because this:
Octopi have figured out that they are smooshy, and they are currently developing personal protective technology. For those keeping score: this is essentially equivalent to the point in the Sci-Fi robot movies at which the machines become sentient.
This little guy here solved the agility and multi-tasking problem presented by the full coconut cocoon:
Because we are members of a foolishly arrogant species, you’re probably thinking that coconut shells aren’t that much of a threat, and you’re right. However, the octopi are two steps ahead of you. They’ve already begun expanding theory into application:
Granted, this still doesn’t seem very threatening, but consider the bigger picture: they are figuring out how to arm and defend themselves.
“But they are confined to the water,” you’re thinking. Oh, dim-witted, over-confident human (see, I’m already sucking up to our future cephalopod overlords). For one thing, octopi are already venturing further and further into the realm we temporarily pretend we rule:
Yeah, that’s them just cruising around in the grass.
“But they can’t do that forever,” you want to argue. I find your naivete terrifying. You’re right; they can’t. However, on a number of occasions, it has been documented that captive octopi have intentionally planned and executed the flooding of entire rooms and buildings to engineer their own safe escapes.
If you’re not sufficiently horrified and actively worried for the sake of yourselves and your children, then I feel like you’re not paying attention, so let’s recap before I explain how the rest unfolds:
Octopi have eight, prehensile tentacles with loads of super strong suction cups on each. They can squeeze through spaces mere centimeters in diameter. They survive in the water but are willing and able to plan and create new aquatic environments for themselves. Plus, they can travel on dry land briefly if they want/need to. They are arming and armoring themselves. They are excellent and innovative problem-solvers who actively learn and extrapolate information. And, let’s not forget, they have beaks (revisit nightmarish beak photo above).
You’re probably thinking that on land, in hand-to-tentacle combat, you can still best an octopus, even if it is clearly superior to you in almost every way. We (I’ve aligned with the octopi now; resistance is futile) are two steps ahead of you once again. Watch this.
“Who would like to be the muscle in the octopus-led revolution?”
See? There is no hope. Komodo dragons are made out of 100% pure hellaciousness, and their nastitude readings are off the charts.
Komodo dragons weigh up to 200lbs. The thing is a linebacker. These badboys hunt and ambush mammals your size for breakfast. Think you can overpower one? It doesn’t even matter, because look at this special treat:
Yeah, so… that’s poison saliva. One bite or scratch that breaks the skin, and you, sir, are contaminated. Then, THEN, you know what this sadistic bugger does?! He follows you around and waits. He waits for the poison to take over. What sort of monster does that?! This sort.
“I’ll get medical attention!” you protest. Will you? Because remember, he’s almost 200lbs of cold-blooded badassery AND his buddies, who can smell your now rotting flesh, are on their way to help him corral you. They’ve got claws and jaws, and you’ve got deteriorating flesh and an unpleasant fever.
This is them celebrating your untimely demise.
In ridiculous desperation you might try to reason your way out. “Komodo dragons are on land, right? I’ll swim away!” Will you? Do you really think that octopi didn’t consider water egress? It’s their whole thing.
Bad news, Chief, Komodo dragons can swim miles through the ocean, and they are practicing it as we speak. Unless your name starts with “M” and ends with “icheal Phelps”, I’m guessing you’re not out-swimming them (or even their brainy boneless masters).
At this point, my only advice is: Live it up, people. Enjoy your final days. Every sign from the octopus community suggests that they are actively positioning themselves for world domination, and I don’t know about you, but I can’t lose my bones and grow six more appendages in the next year or two.
Once the komodos are mobilized, the blood-bath will already have begun. Until then, we simply get to sit back and watch the devious beauty of the octopus takeover scheme unravel. It was a good run, and we made it look semi-respectable for awhile, but, in the end, there just really wasn’t ever any contest.
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