What in precipitation is going on with the Weather Channel website? How did something that should be so straight-forward become such an incredible train wreck? And yet, I can’t just walk away.
This past November, I moved to Green Bay, WI. My inability to make reasonable decisions aside, this winter relocation obviously gave me reason to pay an increased amount of attention to the weather.
I had an overwhelming urge to know, to the fraction of a degree, exactly how frigid the Green Bay winter was on like an hourly basis. There was, for instance, an 11-day streak during which the temperature was only above zero for a cumulative total of three hours. If I’m going to complain about a decision I knowingly made of my own free will, information like this is essential.
Back to the Weather Channel website. Have you seen this disaster? We need to talk about this. I can’t even wrap my mind around it. Don’t click on it, though. For the love of all that’s holy, don’t click on it. You’ll never make it out alive.
I’m a simple man. All I want is to receive an answer about the upcoming weather in a reasonable amount of time and with very little effort. Someone, in what I assume were the early days of the internet, had the wisdom to create a website around that idea for the already existing Weather Channel. After that, something went terribly, terribly wrong.
You know what? I changed my mind. Misery loves company. Go ahead and navigate to that web page; I’ll wait. I’ll cancel vacations, miss my next child’s first steps, grow a Rip VanWinkle-esque beard, and fritter away my youth. (To be fair, I’ve already got a pretty good jump on that last one.)
Seriously, if you’ve had either the good sense or the unbelievable fortune to never visit their website, you’re probably advancing society for the rest of us with all of your extra time. Meanwhile, I’m stuck staring slack-jawed at a frozen, but brightly colored view of the weather patterns in parts of the country I care nothing about.
Kim Kardashian’s butt picture didn’t challenge the capabilities of the internet the way this website does all day every day. Good luck if you’re trying to check the weather before you head in to work for the day. By the time you get home for dinner you might be able to access what’s now become the current weather. There’s still time to find out the overnight dew point, though, so maybe that’s a win.
How can a website owned and run by a successful cable television station require so many pop-ups at to render it unusable? It doesn’t make any sense. Surely The Weather Channel can afford to pay the premium price for web-hosting. So what’s with all the pop-ups? It’s mind-boggling.
Let’s say you do set aside a long weekend and summon the physical, emotional, and mental fortitude to stick out the load time wait, though. Now they’ve got you. You’ve already invested too much time and emotional energy to turn back, and here comes the onslaught of click-bait.
I normally consider myself a click-bait avoidance pro. Toss all of the Trump and gun issue nonsense at me that you want, I’ll sidestep it all with ease. Your fake headline claim that “New Study Reveals: Shower Water May Cause Cancer” bounces off of me like bullets off of Superman’s chest.
Weather Channel website click-bait is my kryptonite, though. I am powerless against it. I know it is there, and I still can’t avoid it. What’s that, The Weather Channel? You want me spend time reading about how the “storm of the century” is currently brewing, even though you just claimed the exact same thing three days ago? Yes, please! I should forget the local forecast I came here for and watch a video about an exotic rodent’s mating dance? Okay!
I’m a logic-based reasoner, and I think the Weather Channel website takes advantage of that. Because I cannot figure out why the Weather Channel would choose to click-bait me, I assume that it won’t. Like a doe-eyed dolt, I readily accept that whatever the Weather Channel wants to tell me must be significant. Instead, they seem to just be toying with me.
Like with the pop-up videos and ads, I have a hard time believing The Weather Channel is relying on ill-gotten clicks to financially support itself. So, why, then? It’s like it gets some sort of twisted pleasure out of lording its sick control over me. It’s almost as if it does it just because it can.
Doesn’t The Weather Channel kind of have a monopoly on dedicated weather forecasting? I mean, I know all local news stations have meteorologists, but does The Weather Channel really need to resort to trickery to get or keep me on their page? Its website feels like it’s built by a moral-less journalism grad student shamelessly suckering click money to pay off student debts.
If The Weather Channel really wants my “weather business” (see how awkward that idea is?), the best thing they could possibly do is to fix that damn website. I’d currently rather get rained on than deal with that headache. And let’s not even talk about the app. I might as well just turn my phone off for a half hour and live like a caveman.
Make me a website that loads in an instant and gives me the information I want at a glance. Why am I clicking six times to finally find out what the predicted snow accumulation is? You know what I’m here for, goddammit! Ain’t nobody wasting keystrokes on figuring out the exact barometric pressure.
Let’s introduce trust and love back into the relationship, The Weather Channel. I hate that you make me feel like a fool for momentarily believing that “sharks may be migrating to [my] neighborhood.” Can we please just have a healthy relationship in which I look to you for the weather forecast and you tell it to me without all the drama?